LAS VEGAS, NV – A Silicon Valley startup called BlockSec is making waves at DEFCON and Blackhat this year for having completely solved the complex problem of information security with their next-generation blockchain machine-learning algorithm. “Honestly, we just got tired of people being hacked all the time,” says founder Jay Farmer. “So we developed a multi million-dollar blockchain based service that prevents it from happening.”

How It Works

BlockSec’s service involves two components – machine learning and the blockchain. For the machine learning phase, a proprietary algorithm analyzes a network’s features and classifies them according to a simple flowchart. Once this data is collected, the algorithm then is able to predict best practices for future technologies that haven’t even been invented yet. “The machine learning helps quantify what we’ve been telling our clients for years,” says Farmer. “People will argue with a pentest report all day, but everyone trusts the infallibility of a machine.”

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Figure 1: Proprietary Machine-Learning Algorithm

Involving the Blockchain

Once the algorithm has determined what devices should be connected to the Internet, all processes and procedures are moved to a private Blockchain, an immutable cryptographic ledger of all transactions. According to Farmer, “Everything is stored on this private Blockchain, from passwords, to email, even your calendar is stored on there.” By moving all technology to the Blockchain, what would normally be simple actions now become too difficult for an attacker to follow.

“To schedule a meeting, I first open up my blockchain phone. I then send a small amount of BlockSecCoin (BSC) to the digital wallets of all attendees. If they are attending the meeting, they send the amount back to my master wallet where the ledger confirms the transaction,” says Ally Jones, a project management consultant at BlockSec. “Because it takes time to confirm the transaction, most people just walk over and ask the other person,” admits Jones. “However in this case, Blockchain is ensuring 100% security, because you can look back at the ledger and verify that the meeting wasn’t attended by any eavesdroppers or modified in any way.”

Cancelling the Conferences

After hearing this presentation at a vendor booth at DEFCON, one of the organizers immediately brought this up to the conference board. Within hours, cancellation notices were posted all over Twitter. “There’s no point in continuing – DEFCON is permanently cancelled,” said one of the tweets. Others were more slightly more optimistic. “I’m so grateful for Blockchain, Machine-Learning, and DEFCON, but I’m excited to spend more time reading books,” said another. As a result, this publication will soon be relaunched with a focus on craft cocktails and smoothie recipes instead of security.

Editors Note: This is a satirical article.

Main Image Credit : The awesome piece of artwork used to head this article is called 'Block Chain Spread' and it was created by graphic designer Alexai Vella.